Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Randomize
