literally had 100 drinks last night.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
is wine microwaveable?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
