I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
