Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
