So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
