I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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