And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
