Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
