did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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