Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
