her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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