im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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