Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
