mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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