Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
