I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
