My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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