woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
