Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
