mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
