i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
