if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
