I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
