I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
