i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
