I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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