The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
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I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
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dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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