I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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