you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Houston, we have a squirter
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
