I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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