just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
