Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
