Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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