Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
