My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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