tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
