Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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