I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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