Its about making memories worth repressing
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
