Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
