There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Success! We fucked roommates!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
