So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
