probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
