so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
