I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
