Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
