i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
We just shotgunned beers for America
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
