Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
