now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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