I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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