I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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