I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
