You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
