my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
third nipple confirmed
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
