I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
