ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
