remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
