Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
